small catch up

Im still here
Im doing really well ,on sunday |(boxing day) i didnt eat all of my dinner i was 117.6lbs i havent eaten anything since then its now wednesday I am now 112.4lbs woo ahhaa im so happy even though i have no energy at all :s

1 month till xmas

I hate when people say they’re “pro-ana” when they’re just dieting. Pro ana means pro anorexia. A diet isn’t anorexia. It is a disease. You can have thinspo, you can have goal weights and all of that. But you’re not pro ana. You’re not anorexic. Anorexia is more than just not liking how you look. When you’re anorexic you’re no longer you. You are anorexic.

Dieting blogs are great <3

But don’t call them pro-ana blogs UNLESS you have an ed. You know?

24/11/10

When you call a girl fat or ugly, it’s engraved into her mind. Every insult will stay with her forever, reminding her that she’s worthless, disgusting, and unloved. Her mind will be programmed to put herself down, to hate herself and her body. Call her pretty? She’ll remember it for a moment. Call her ugly? She’ll never forget it. Because she’s a slave to the pain that you never even thought about.

4/11/10

Every things so weird with me now.

Today for dinner i had chicken pad thai with rice but after eating it I threw every last bit of it up,I've made my self throw up before but never been that great at it.But this time I was so good I didn't stop when it hurt I just pushed my finger further back till more came up.

I was worried about my self but happy with my achievement.

I'm not sure what I'm becoming but if I'm getting thinner its for the best right?

Resistance

Intake

Glass of milk

Glass of apple juice

Jacket potato

still done so bad!

Half term

I love half term ,no school ,an escape from everything and everyone.

I got away , i went away to jamaica for the week it was incredible.My mum called me while i was there ,she told me she'd found my laxatives.

I lied to her said they were from ages ago ,she said she was worried i assured her there was no need to be.

She believed me.

But she threw them all away i normally buy 2 packs at a time which comes to £10 for a teenage girl who has a slight shopping addiction and a not so normal obsession with topshop that £1o could have gone to towards clothes! so i wasn't happy but more so because i now have 0 laxatives.

I've put on so much weight ,i don't know how to even start losing again.

I must start watching my intake again restricting setting boundaries rules.

Tomorrow

I say tomorrow every-time but i have to mean it this time I just can't seem to cope with much anymore.

Off topic-

Im still in love with yuval.

I know i shouldn't be everyone says i can do better ,he's a prick ect but he wasnt to me.

To me he was the most incredible person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and I hate him not being in my life anymore.

Listening to Taylor Swifts new album i have never cried so much just listening to songs.

Last Kiss

Back to december

Haunted

Our

Especially have brought on the water works. Girls and boys, if your with someone and you really like them don't mess it up! like i did.

'wishing I realized what I had when you were mine' -Back to december

I wish i had realized this everyday .

Stay strong my lovelies X

Menstrual Pain with Laxatives =Not a good mix.

Im so depressed since my last post i've put weight on I'm too ashamed to tell you how much.

And too make matters worse i came on my period today.

Great.

I really want to screw that i am going to loose this weight for the past 2days i've been trying properly now .

My stomachs loooking pretty flatt again but im heavy so give a shit.

ok this is my stomach now hhaaa ,i keep doing this thing right now were im drawing smiley faces on it when im bored.I know its immature but oh well

thanks for commenting and good luck everyone X

Yesterday

1 baby orange

2 chupa chups lolie pops

1 glass of apple juice

Weight this morning : 111.6

Nearly at 109 again. I keep thinking about when Im 109lbs i'll be so close to my final goal but when I get to 98lbs ,will everything be over? does everything just suddenly go back to normal?

Im really doubting that.

There's no going back now.

Much love X

'Me love sushi'

He's always on my mind

I cant stop thinking about him

But i cant compete with that girl ,all my friends say i can but i cant.

So yesterday i eneded up eating a avacado temaki which is sushi

looks like this minus all the stuff in the picture,mine just had avocado and rice, which was hardly anything. This morning i was 112.8lbs my weights dropping but slowly but its going ;)

Hope everyones doing good

Much love X

And the tears just keep coming

So yuval bbmed today and he made his mind up

heres how the conversation went

yuval : i need a break

me: ?

yuval : From everything

me : Ok then

End of conversation ,what did i really expect how could i compete with Sophie ,I don't think i ever have liked a boy as much as i liked him. I felt like he was my best friend we could talk about anything ,fight and make up straight away laugh about anything and everything. Im going to miss him so much .I cant believe he's done this to me ,i choose him over max. Things would be so much easier if i was a lesbian. But that isn't happening ha.

I woke up this morning jumped on the scales and I'm down to 113.8 thats one pound from yesterday. Its 5:52pm here and i haven't drank or eaten anything all day so hopefully it will be lower again tomorrow. My mum was ordering hi sushi earlier and i said i didn't want ,so she then told me how i was looking very thin and i don't need to starve my self I'm already thin.

(lie i have a fat ass)

Then she told me how she's bought loads of fruit and she wants me to have 2 oranges and a apple .So i said no i'll have to oranges ,which i probably wont do but oh well ,but if i do have them there baby oranges so should be okay.

I hope you all are okay and reaching your goals

Much Love x

Summer

Its been awhile

I hope every ones summers have been amazing and everyones doing well

I went to spain for 2weeks and a cruise around the med for 1week it was incredible i met the most amazing people.Before i left i was at my lowest weight 109lbs and now I'm back I'm up to 114lbs which is so depressing.So much has happened in my life the last few months break ups ect

and i don't feel like i can cope with it anymore.

wanna know the story?

Well it all started when i got drunk at my friends party (not a good idea) i ended up getting with this boy Yuval who is soo fit ha and then i got with this boy max who i had been talking to for awhile on bbm and shiz and in my drunkenness i told max i liked him and i didn't want this to be a random get with.So in the following week I'd been speaking to yuval and max on bbm,so then the weekend came which meant another party ,so i see max and yuval and i get with yuval :s .Max and yuval are so different its quite hard to explain ,yuvals like a bit of a bad boy that i cant resist that you know will end up hurting you in the end and max is the nicest guy just so nice .

So me and yuval were sat around the corner outside the party and max and flick walked up and saw us and said they were going to the high street then Max bbmed yuv saying allow the par :S

So more shit happened and i ended up liking to boys then i had to choose ,so i choose yuval but then at Joe P's house party i saw how upset max was so i just said broke it up with both of them and said id rather hurt one person that person being me rather than 2 .

Which probably wasn't the best idea considering because i still like yuval,Then the next day me and yuval were talking and he said he was going to get with this girl Sophie tonight and i basically begged him for an hour not to but then his friend Joe had the biggest go at me on bbm saying we;re not together anymore u cant tell him who he can and cant get with so i was just like OK ,yuval do what u want have fun i don't care anymore i obviously did i just didn't want to argue with them.Then Joe bbmed me saying 'Yuval just got with Sophie' i rang my best friend straight away and cried down the phone to her (shes also best friends with yuval) so she had the biggest go at me on bbm saying I've never heard her so upset how could u do this to her blah blah blah.So then yuval called me saying he didn't know i cared if i like him so much i need to decide what i want to do about it by tomorrow.

So the nest day we got back together and we were together till we both went away and we said we'd get with other people on our holidays and we were okay with that.

I choose yuval over max ,yuval got back 2days before me and now every things the biggest mess he got with Sophie again and i don't know what to do i love him so much i want to go back to him but hes annoyed at me because I'm annoyed at him about the Sophie thing hes told me shes just a pull its meaningless but he knew how much it upset me the first time but he did it again .

We're both back from our holidays now ,i've told him i want to be with him its his choice now but he's asleep considering its rather late where i am ;)

Sorry for that ramble but thats the brief storyy .im going to start trying to post every other day becaus ei cant leave you all anymore!

So before i went away i was eating 1 meal a day which seemed to work pretty well and laxatives if i ever felt like it was all to much but now i need to make a plan on what im going to aim to get by the end of the week ,im hoping 110lbs

but we'll see

Much love girls x

Im still here

Quick update...

Im failing my weights not so good right now but im going to get lower again

My date with B went amazing ,I can officially say he's my boyfriend!

We've been dating for 1 week and 2 days

I really like him haa

Im so going to fail my maths SAT

which is sad but not surprising considering how bad i am at maths

Does anyone have any tips on how to revise ?

Helpp

Guess who...

I dont why i've been gone for so long...

So much has happened in my life recently i guess i've been just too busy .But i've been keeping on track my weight now is 112.8lbs ahhhh im so happy i just cant wait till i get under 110lbs.

Those will be the days.

So the highlights in my life that you've missed out on because i haven't been blogging.

I can finally say i've got with a boy .On saturday everyone went to this massive party called summer skank .It was shit so everyone went outside and just hung around there me and B got with each other at the back of a field over and over again .Im really good friends with his sister and she knows about us and she doesn't mind so its cool.I don't really know what me and B are on fb we changed it to in relationship with blah blah but that was before we got with each other .I know were not girlfriend and boyfriend but i really want to be my bff says i should ask him but i don't want to seem clingy or anything...

But i don't know what he wants. I've arranged to see him sunday coming so i'll report back.

I also have my moc SATS soon so im stressing and im so bad at revising so im really worried about that.

Okay so my goal for the friday is 108 thats not alot to lose but maybe if i reach it before friday i can set my self another goal :)

Anyway i hope all of you are doing good and losing weight!

Wish me luck

and i wish you luck ;)

x

Summer

Im so not a fan of the outdoors

This is only going to be a short post because im so tired!

I've just been to this duke of Edinburgh award meeting because im going camping on the weekend FML

Im really not looking forward to it at all.

My intake today:

A small tropical juice

Vegetable soup with cranberry juice but i threw that up :/ (i dont recommend doing that)

Also I just read my first comment from 'got2bedancin247' thank you so much for your kind words if your ever finding it hard at any time just remember whats motivating you. :)

and thats it anyway Im off to bed now I'll try do a longer post soon...

night my beautyss x

Frustration is taking over

My mother is annoying me to a point now .She keeps going on about my eating heres how one of the conversations went.

(Last night)

Mum:Come down stairs were going to eat dinner together

(we never eat together unless its like christmas)

Me: Umm why

Mum:Because i thought it would be nice

Me:Mum i know this because you think im not eating properly

(Mum Puts my sushi in-front of me sushi's low cal but still i didnt want to eat)

I pretend im eating she goes out of the room i stuff some of the sushi into my pocket

Me:I dont like this sushi mum its the wrong one. And you know me I love my food (i used to)

and I am eating properly I had a paini (LIE) as well as my jaloff rice for lunch today

Mum:Yes but thats what 'those people' say and it can start of small but it can get serious (blah blah blahh whatevs) and plus spent £5 on that eat it come on.

I eventually get out of eating by saying i'll have a bowl of pasta salad later.

So i did i had a bowl of that which im not happy about i was sure by this morning I'd be heavier

But guess what ?

I wasn't i now weigh 115lbs

this made me so happy this morning, so i had my packeted lunch at school pasta salad again and but its healthy and low cal and my water . But heres the problem tonight its shepards pie for dinner so i have to get it in my room and shove it in something till i can get rid of it.I cant eat twice in one day so my little plan has to work .

On a good note, my hip bones are really sticking out , you can like see a shadow where my stomach is in the middle if that makes sense ?

Any way Wish me luckkk ,I so need it. And i'll be posting a swimsuit thinspo later

Thanks for following x

New Low

Wake up in the morning... weighing 116lbs!

I've reached my goal already yay

But my mums noticing im not eating properly she made me sit down and try to eat sushi but i told her she got the wrong one and i don't like the one she bought so then i had to have a bowl of pasta.As well as having jaloff rice at lunch not a lot (a small container) but thats still a lot.So now I fear I may be 117 by tomorrow.Which would suck .

My mums saying were having shepards pie for dinner but i cant have that all the cheese and potato and meat!

Yuckk errr im not sure what im gonna do yet.I'm hoping I'll be able to take it to my room and store it in a container till i can throw it away at school the next day.

God i really hope Im still 116lbs or lower tomorrow

Wish me luckk ?

Harper's Bazaar Thinspo

Woooh!

NO FRIKEN WAYY !
After i ate such crap on saturday and sunday i aspected I'd be up too the 120's again like last week but NO i step on the scale today and Im 117.8 !!!
I was so happy so I made sure i didn't eat much today i skipped breakfast for lunch i had a few forks of pasta salad and i gave the rest to a friend ,to drink i had a capri sun.And i skipped dinner

Thats it !
YAY Im actually on such a high i just weighed my self again and Im 117.2 Ohh yeahhh
My goal weight for friday may be reached before friday haa awesomeness .I think now that 2 people know ,Its giving me more of a push especially because i see charlie at school everyday and B im not going to see for awhile but when i do i want to look really thin .

Wish me luck x

Revelations

I've had the longest/best/awkward/embarrassing/fun weekend ever okay where to start ?

Saturday:
I went to stage school in the morning and then afterwards i went to my friend N's house for dinner i totally pigged out i had wedges pizza 2 mini hot dogs.So after that we got to our friend J's house and we watch a scary movie Amitiville horror , I wasn't really scared by it but it was the funniest thing J screamed and had his eyes shut like all the way through he is the biggest flirt ever i'd never go for him because were such good friends and he knows that but he is still the biggest flirt. Then his like cleaner woman im not sure really what she is but she just helps around there house , she brought us in chips an Then d pizza.I wasn't hungry at all but i still ate .Errrr im such a mess up you have no idea.Then eventually at like 11:30pm we got a cab back to N's and had raves haaa we played the wii with her little sisters and brother and messed around on skype and the webcam for awhile and eventually retiring to bed at like 2.

Sunday:
I couldn't even step on to the scales...
Such a hectic day .So i had to N's quite early because she had a duke of edinburgh walk that started at 8:40.So my mum picked me up and we went home.When i got home my sister and our (we have a few of the same friends since were twins) bff S were asleep eventually they woke up and we messed around for a bit until she had to go home and finish her coursework .Then at 12 my mum dropped me my sister J and C to the train station and we meet our friend D there we all got on the train to camden .After awhile we meet C's parents and brother (same age) and i pigged out i hate my self right now i had a gourmet burger chips and some nachos. Big mistake.
We left C's parents after lunch and shopped around for a bit .J got picked up in camden and we all go the tube back later on.C's mum picked us up and we dropped D of for her party and went back to C's house we invited over our friend who i love so much shes one of the most amazing friend you could ever wish for can tell her so much and she wont judge we'll call her charlie because i've run out of initials .So were hanging out we went to the park had ice cream .We enjoyed the amazing weather in London for once!
I dont really remember how but it ended up me and Charlie and B ended up in C's room just talking then the conversation turned to secrets and we all swore not to say anything.B told us his deep secret about something hes done with this girl (not sex haa) and then i must of stupidly say only one person has ever known my deepest secret my recently ex best friend .The sceret being my eating disorder and errrr im scared she might have told have told the girl shes hanging around with now who i hate.so B was pressuring me saying like come on i've told you the worst thing ever.We ended up in his room i was laid in un-maid bed next to charlie ,I told him he had to leave so i could tell charlie first because shes one off my bff who i trust completely .So I told her
She was shocked I told her everything
B came back and i eventually told him he was shocked ha what can i say he kept going on that im thin im not fat .He was so nice.He told me Im sexy and i should come out with him and his friends more and he'd tap that haa but basics he was being so nice .
I need to point out something before i go any further.Im 14 i've never kissed a boy.B , C , D and J all go to different schools charlie goes to mine Im a year younger than all of them.

So me and B are laid next to each other and hes cuddling me .C and my sis eventually joined us and B was still being nice he was touching my hand he was resting his hand on my stomach ahhhhh i really like him ha but hes one of my close friends brother .And plus i dont think he'd ever go for me.So at dinner i wasn't eating and FUCK SHIT.I dont know how really but come on shes not thick .Err and at dinner she kep saying how im an attention seeker and shit and i just typed on my phone to charlie and B that she doesn't know me she may be my twin but she knows nothing about me.
I cant believe I told B and Charlie they say they dont think think any differently about me but ya never know.
And now my sisters knows :( my life sucks
Hmm i dont know what else to say other than this weekend food-wise has been a complete fuck up

So Im setting myself Goals by Friday I want to be 116lbs i think thats realistic .

Good Points:
I fitted into my sisters size 6 jeans and they weren't tight

Ermm i think thats it.

Stay strong my beauties x

New Low 119 !

The weights dropping slowly, but its still dropping.

Just saw the new 90210, Anna-Lynn Mccord =WOAHH

Confessions

I've had an ED before

But i recovered .I stopped .I don't really want to talk to much about it but from my experiences I realized i was nothing without it I missed it.I put on weight since then and I've hated my self everyday . Before I took laxatives I purged fasted ect. And i stopped .I dont know how but I just did.

But now I'm back and I have to be skinny. Summers coming ,the parties are coming everything starting which means short skirts cropped tops dresses and so on.

I haven't done well today.Im not even going to write what I've eaten because its just making me sick to think about it. But I will do better tomorrow.It will be hard because Im filming a tv program (just as an extra) and the chaperones sit down with you and make sure you eat. But I'll figure it out.

119.8lbs

Im getting back down finally . But at the begging of the year i was 116lbs i need to get lower.Heres some Alexa Chung thinspo to get ya'll into the mode.

The Start

Okay so Im Tia

Im 5'7ft .1

Weight:121.4

Goal:

98lbs

SUPERMODEL THIN